A LETTER TO A BLIND DATE

Dear Blind Date,

I’m really nervous about our upcoming date.  Perhaps we could go out the night before?  I'm thinking we could take a drive down to my beach house, sit by the water and sip some wine.  Forget that, I don’t have any wine.  Well what do you want to do?  Why does it always have to be me who has to decide?  I have many interests.  My main interest is hobbies.  My main hobby is curiosity.  Where were you born?  When’s your birthday? Don’t tell me now --save it for our date.  I hate long silences.  If that happens I’m going to start sounding out the beginning of words and you finish them.  If I say “phhhhiiii” you then say “ladelphia.”  Do you want me to act like a gentlemen or a raucous slimebucket?  I can do both to perfection.  I once told a girl she looked “le magnifique” and I once told another to “shove off and get me some bourbon.”  I think I’m going to dress business casual or as I like to say “busicaz.”  Do you mind if I wear corduroys or do you hate the vipping noise that goes along with them?  You can wear whatever you want but I prefer a zebra print.  Can I come up for a cup of coffee after the date?  I’ll have decaf.  Slut.  Do you have any children from a previous marriage or an unruly ex?  I really respect you raising a child on your own like that in this day and age but I don’t think this will work out.  That’s what I will say to you if you answer yes.  I hope that “you are the one.”  I always wanted to get married and have a shed for my things.  Do you believe in fate?  I will if you do.  My main “dating” rule is that when I am talking do not read my hat.  Save that for when I am not speaking.  It is rude to read someone’s novelty hat while they are speaking.  I’ll tell you now that I will be wearing a hat that’s says, “Where’s the Chief?” on it.  It’s a satirical and political spin on those old beef ads.  I have other preferences but they are not rules.  They are shape up or ship out, fly like an eagle and go for the gold.  I think we are going to have a great time.  Are you hot?

Sincerely,

Jon