A LETTER TO A GARBAGE MAN
 

Dear Garbage Man,
               

I threw out my favorite pair of slippers.  Did you happen to see them?  Maybe I can come down to the trash heap and fish them out?  Do you allow that?  I'm pretty certain I threw them away.  It's kind of funny because I usually wear those slippers to take out the garbage.  I often mistake precious things for absolute crap and throw them away.  I don’t know why but it’s something I’ve done for years.  The doctor says it is a serious problem and I should return for further analysis.  I threw away my mother’s beloved turtle broach because I thought it was a crumb rag.  Never retrieved it.  Do you ever grab up anything before you dump it away?  If so, was it ever a red bicycle?  That was my son's.  I think he's starting to get suspicious about it "being on the roof."  Hey, let me ask you something.  Did you ever find my wife's handbag? She claims to have had "everything she needs" in there.  I for one think that she has everything she needs right here if you know what I'm saying.  My father's ham radio, have you seen it?  It's vintage.  I might have thought it was a paper towel, just kidding --I can distinguish between paper towels and radios.  But I did throw it out.   He claims to have been able to speak to his dead brother through it.  He’s devastated.  Speaking of ham, do you ever eat any leftover lunch scraps?   My car keys, alarm keypad, and refrigerator handle.  Have you seen them?  What about my nine-iron?  My good friend is not all too happy that I went over to his home and ripped out his microwave and dropped it at the curb.   My son really misses his Teddy Ruxpin doll.  That wasn't an accident.  It freaked me out.  I wanted to toss that ever since it first twisted it's head and spoke a passage about hugs.   I need to get these things back.  How often do you smash the garbage down into little clumps?  If you saw a dinette set in there would you still give the command to crush?  What about a personalized oversized sombrero?  My wife seems to have lost her ruby ring, earring wristwatch set, silky night suit and most cosmetics.  Would you crush that?  What about a gray couch end piece?  A ceramic lion?