A LETTER TO THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS

Dear Guinness Book of World Records,

I’m in the process of setting a few new world records that I think you should know about.

I’ve been staring at this one guy on and off for three and a half months.  Pretty much everywhere he goes, I go.  I don’t even know him.  I just gaze at him constantly.  Even while he sleeps.  I prop myself up on a crate and look at him through his bedroom window.  He is totally freaked out by me.  He calls the police but there is nothing they can do.  Looking is not a crime.  They told him that once I strike then they will immediately be there to arrest me.  I’m never going to strike -I’m just staring.  I’m looking at him right now.  He’s wearing dungarees. 

I’m trying to break the record for going the longest without taking care of a mule.  I got him at the animal shelter.  He’s just locked away in the upstairs spare room.    It’s been forty-two days with no water, food or sunlight.  Most of the time he “haws” in agony.  I tell him to hang in there for just nine more days… through the door.  I heard a massive shattering and banging coming from the room two nights ago.  I refuse to go in there.  I did hear a few whimpers from him last night so I know he’s still alive.  I can’t wait until day fifty-two when it’s all over.  I’m gonna barge into that room and give that ol’ mule a carrot.  I hope he makes it.  The house smells like a barn. 

I’ve watched a Nicolas Cage movie everyday for four months.  He’s made fourteen films.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen the guy smile like a maniac.  What’s the deal with Face/Off?  You can’t just do that.      I also have never sat Indian style.  Why would I?  Is that a record?  Please send someone right away.

Sincerely,

Jon